“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
Virginia Woolf
I have spent the better part of my life trying to outrun pain. With blisters on my feet and sweat dripping down my face, I have sprinted from the ghosts of my past, terrified of making contact with them again. These ghosts appear as shadows glued to my heels and come in all forms, from people to places—anything that reminds me of my suffering.
I run to avoid situations that remind me of my darkest days, so I cancel doctors’ appointments and refuse to visit my old high school. The mere thought of sitting on an examination table or setting foot on that tainted soil makes my body shake, as I can’t bear hearing another medical diagnosis or walking down the hallway where I was grabbed by the neck. The memories are imprinted in every cell of my being, begging my legs to quickly carry me to safety. Run for your life, dear girl. Run.
A long time ago, I made a solemn vow to protect myself from further pain, but some promises must be broken to bring forth healing. After all, I cannot avoid certain people or places forever. The shadows will continue to follow me until I turn around and face them. And so, I am showing up when I am scared and facing the ghosts who wish me to remain afraid. I am visiting the ruins to pay my respects to the young girl who lost parts of herself along the way. I am honoring her fighting spirit and restoring her ability to live.
The bravest thing I have ever done and will ever do is resist the urge to run from my past. Staying involves silencing the voices and requires tremendous mental stamina. It’s nothing short of brutal sometimes, but it’s worth it. It’s worth the temporary discomfort because peace awaits me at the end, knowing I can stand in the presence of my greatest fears.
When I saw my reflection in the mirror this morning, I noticed the light returning to my eyes—the light I thought would never return. I smiled at the woman staring back at me, in awe of her courage and unwillingness to quit. I traveled through hell to become this woman, this beautiful force of nature. The shadows may continue chasing her, but they will one day learn to fear her.
Beautifully written! You have worked so hard to face the shadows and so grateful you are now seeing more light.
Beautiful! I’m doing that in my thought life when I feel triggered, I stand in the truth about who I am, and what my God thinks of me